..AbSoLute bLiss..

JUDGE NOT THE LORD BY FEEBLE SENSE
BUT TRUST HIM FOR HIS GRACE
BEHIND A FROWNING PROVIDENCE
HE HIDES A SMILING FACE

TO HAVE THE POWER TO FORGIVE
IS EMPIRE AND PREROGATIVE
AND 'TIS IN CROWNS A NOBLER GEM
TO GRANT A PARDON THAN CONDEMN

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UNFORGoTTEN MEMORIES
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February 2006
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Friday, January 13, 2006

hmmm

Well, today is not really a bad day except for the rain. It is kind of tiring and stuff though. Reach home late today after strikeforce and got scolded from my dad. I went for supper and took the last train home, that is why. It takes 1hour for me to go home, excluding waiting time and walking time. The preview was cancelled again due to the rain. Dumb rain. Yea, I agree with the fact that when it rains, it is nice to sleep. And that is precisely the point. I do not sleep in the afternoon and evening, why rain?

Anyway, on Monday, Bro Boon taught a few of us the Brazilian beat. It is hard to maintain the beat but it is FUN! Taught a few of them today and we had fun. While the rest were practicing for Chingay, we were there playing. * opps * but at least we enjoyed ourselves.

Earlier in the morning my mum came into my room to clear my room, my wardrobe to be exact. Yea, I have lots of clothes, but I am reluctant to give them away. I am a very sentimental person. I love my things. I find it a waste to give them away, and that is how I have lot of clothes. I love to buy clothes. Maybe I should start slimming down then maybe I can fit into most of my clothes again. * I am getting fat due to the prata every night after practice *

Went shopping yesterday with my mum. And yes, I bought stuffs again. I bought a belt from GUESS and a pair of long patched-pants from Far East. I was so afraid my dad would find it ugly. * I always go shopping with dad instead of mum * my mum is nice, she buy things I like, whereas for my dad, he buy things he likes. * It is a lot of things * haha. Good thing my dad likes it. * GUESS is having sales!!!! * In fact everywhere is sales. * I want to go shopping!!! * But I haven gotten my pay yet.

Talking about my pay reminds of my job. I haven been working lately due to the practices. * Oh no, is my supervisor mad at me. * Sure he is. At first I told him I can work 3 days a week, but it is like reduced to 0 days a week. * Die * I miss working. * It is the money i miss actually, sobs *

Hmmm. Recently I have been thinking about Joyce Meyer's message. No doubt it made an impact, but whether is it positive or negative I’m not sure. Hopefully by penning this down does not make me go for counseling. Here goes. When I heard the message of "liking myself" I was thinking, do I? In fact I dun really like myself, although I have been trying very hard to. Just like what she said, I got a lot of "I wish-es". I wish I was this and that and the list goes on. There are a lot of things I cannot do and I am not. Of cos i am not trying to emphasize on the physical stuff, but more on the emotional and inward stuff. I am a very emotional unstable person. I can be feeling like this and that the next. I cannot strike a conversation properly without feeling awkward. I am not much of a talker or a joker. For some reasons I cannot do story telling or tell jokes for nuts. Minute stuff does not amuse me. Even in my family, my brother is good at making my mum laugh when he makes her mad. My dad will find is amusing and start laughing together with them, I will be there wondering what is so funny. I find my brother irritating while others find him entertaining. This is what I hate about myself, not being able to relate with people.

Sometimes I really wish to shut out from the world and sleep forever. I dream almost every night when I sleep. And I love my dreams. They were never bad. I get the things I want, do the things I want and be with the person I want to be with. Talk to the person I want to talk to too.

Every time when I got a problem and need to find someone to talk, I just have to call. But now, I dun even know whom to call. Everyone whom I use to call seems to be so far away, having his or her own social life. Each time i got something good I want to share with somebody, but there is no one in my mind. I am not talking about God. I know I can share it with Him. But what I want is not just a listener, but also someone who will respond. I used to turn to my dad. But now it is so hard to talk to him. Partly because he is already busy and stress in his work I dun want to disturb him. Now that my results are coming out soon, I can see it from my dad that he is worried. I dun want to disappoint him. I dun want to disappoint a lot of people.

My uncle once told my dad that next time when I grow up, I will * tan bo jia * in hokkien which means earn no money to eat. I dun want to be looked down upon. Since young a lot of people dislike me. They say I have attitude problem. My teachers, friends and even my mum said that. Maybe I have. My mum once told me she would rather have my brother than have me. Maybe that is the reason I dislike my brother so much. My mum might not have meant what she said. But that really hurt me a lot. Yea, one thing that Pastor taught us was to forget past hurts. But it is not that easy. Thinking of what happened that day is very saddening. Every sentence that she said is still engraved in me.

Joyce Meyer said we should love ourselves right? Tell me how. I am not happy with the way I am. When I look at people around me, I envy them for being able to relate to people. I envy those who are able to bring laughter into people's life, something that I cannot do at all.

Are friends * not hi bye friends * really that important? I gave up trying to search for one. They never seem to stay. One reason being I dun know how to make people stay around me and not get bored or irritated by me. Yea, it is lonely, but I am relieved by one thing. I wont have to worry about them leaving me. I wont have to cry over them leaving me because they already left.

Will I be remembered if I am gone one day?

LyDiA[Friday, January 13, 2006]

[___nO oNe oWns U, BuT me___]]**
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