..AbSoLute bLiss..

JUDGE NOT THE LORD BY FEEBLE SENSE
BUT TRUST HIM FOR HIS GRACE
BEHIND A FROWNING PROVIDENCE
HE HIDES A SMILING FACE

TO HAVE THE POWER TO FORGIVE
IS EMPIRE AND PREROGATIVE
AND 'TIS IN CROWNS A NOBLER GEM
TO GRANT A PARDON THAN CONDEMN

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copyright of kegan

UNFORGoTTEN MEMORIES
February 2005
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Monday, July 25, 2005

who's right who's wrong

you know what. i felt so controlled. it's as if i don't have a life of my own. i don't understand why certain things that we do. there have to be restrictions even when they are not really significant. all i was asking for was just 2hours per month and that can't be done. i wonder how big an impact that's gonna cause my results. going for cell and church has somehow became a routine. something that i do every week. where's that sense of longing and unity that i use to feel. all gone except for like one? more seems to be coming from my ministry members. they are so much closer to me compared to cell members. i don't have any best friends or whatsoever now. just friends. which i know that aint suppose to be the case. i really dunno what's wrong or what's going on. perhaps i can't adapt to what is required. i'm sorry if that's the case. not everyone change fast and adapt to the surrounding. if my parents really wanna blame the church for too much activities. they would have done it long ago. if i were to stop going to church and cell. my parents will have absolutely no reason to blame the church. right? true? i really wonder what's right and what's wrong. to do what at what time and when is the right time to do the right thing. i've tried prioritising my time. hopefully everything will fall into place but it always get worse with more homework pilling. is it my fault. no. i don't think so. at least i tried. maybe yes. cause in the first place i've chosen the wrong thing. so superly wrong.

who in life loves to fail. only those who don't care about their future. no one. no one loves to fail or wanna fail. everyone wishes to be successful. rich and good-looking. if you don't. i'll advise you to seek a doctor. have anybody wonder maybe it's not because that person is not hardworking or didn't put in effort? maybe it's just that person aint good academically. why enforce such strict measures on that person when he doesn't do well? unfair isn't it. not everyone is born smart. not everyone has the same level of determination or perserverence or whatever shit is needed in exams or whatever thing you do. everyone has their own potential in different stuff and has a limit to everything. i can study. yes i do. but i'm not as academically incline as any other people. i can do memory work well but not application. i'm trying. i'm doing my work and finishing everything on time. just because i hope there can be an improvement. and all i want is time to have fun with the people i wanna be with. with what i like to do. and that's serving in my ministry. and i'm restricted from that. how great eh.

people in life often have something to look forward to. be it meeting someone they wanna meet. or doing things they like to do. or even into the future. looking forward to be a teacher or a parent or whatever they wanna be. for me. i just look forward to a day of no work and stress and pressure. but that doesn't seems to be the case. there are just more commitments. and who dunno escaping ain't a help. it'll just come back after some time. i really can't stand this kinda life. it's so puppet with no strings attached. but what's the difference. felt so manipulated. i'm not a robot. nor am i a superhuman. i'm sorry if i can't live up to your standard. i have my own expectation and u have your own. you can't expect everyone to be like you. even if u do expect. time is needed. right. whatever. everyone has a limit in them. just hope mine is not yet reached. cause if it does.

just like a bomb
tick tick tick boom

the reason Jesus died on the cross
was to save us all
the reason why i go to church
is simply because i love Him

partly was because of the friends i've made
that have helped change the world that i hate
i wonder how long more it's gonna take
before all these friendships drop dead

the fact that i love Jesus
still remained the same
this is something that will never change
but not all things remain unchanged

time is all that's needed
to change something
be it you or me or anybody or even anything
it's just when is this time coming

a time bomb
tick tick tick
i'm gone

LyDiA[Monday, July 25, 2005]

[___nO oNe oWns U, BuT me___]]**
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