..AbSoLute bLiss..

JUDGE NOT THE LORD BY FEEBLE SENSE
BUT TRUST HIM FOR HIS GRACE
BEHIND A FROWNING PROVIDENCE
HE HIDES A SMILING FACE

TO HAVE THE POWER TO FORGIVE
IS EMPIRE AND PREROGATIVE
AND 'TIS IN CROWNS A NOBLER GEM
TO GRANT A PARDON THAN CONDEMN

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copyright of kegan

UNFORGoTTEN MEMORIES
February 2005
March 2005
April 2005
May 2005
June 2005
July 2005
August 2005
September 2005
November 2005
January 2006
February 2006
March 2006
May 2006
June 2006

Saturday, July 30, 2005

unpredictable

another week is gonna pass so soon. last weekend felt just so yesterday. looking ten years back. it also felt like yesterday. time is such a mysterious thing. how accurate can we get from our watch to keep track of time. looking at the calender. one day pass. another comes. and there's no way to even reverse time. there's so many things we do in life that can be undone. but when time is lost. it's lost forever. turning back the clock is impossible. life is so unpredictable. we dunno what's gonna happen to us in future at all. even sometimes when we plan our stuff and work towards our goal. what is install for us in future? issit gonna disrupt our plans? although it's fun to think how "tomorrow" is a mystery, there still live this boringness in life thinking it's gonna be another same old day as the day before. is that true? somehow it is. life has become a routine. waking up and going to school. after school go home for dinner and sleep. and the day goes on like that. where is the excitement? where is the fun? but serving Jesus is different. instead of waking up on weekends with nothing better to do. i go to church. and that's when my whole new week begins again. a whole new touch from Heaven. but what lies ahead of me is still waiting for me to uncover.

although now i'm stressed up with my work. but every tomorrow counts as a glimsp of hope for me to have my breakthrough in my studies. i believe when there is a tomorrow. hope still lives. instead of giving up. keep going on. the solution might just be ahead of you. if you stop. what lies ahead will just be another hidden treasure which will be so hard to find in future. cause a map is needed. hee. i'm gone

life is so unpredictable
we never know what's gonna happen the next second
nor the next minute
nor the next hour

issit worth wondering what life is really all about?
wondering if it is all about tomorrow
discovering the hidden mysteries of what is in tomorrow
issit just a whole new episode of another "exciting" day?

or issit more than just that?
what is more than just that?

living for Jesus is

LyDiA[Saturday, July 30, 2005]

[___nO oNe oWns U, BuT me___]]**
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Monday, July 25, 2005

who's right who's wrong

you know what. i felt so controlled. it's as if i don't have a life of my own. i don't understand why certain things that we do. there have to be restrictions even when they are not really significant. all i was asking for was just 2hours per month and that can't be done. i wonder how big an impact that's gonna cause my results. going for cell and church has somehow became a routine. something that i do every week. where's that sense of longing and unity that i use to feel. all gone except for like one? more seems to be coming from my ministry members. they are so much closer to me compared to cell members. i don't have any best friends or whatsoever now. just friends. which i know that aint suppose to be the case. i really dunno what's wrong or what's going on. perhaps i can't adapt to what is required. i'm sorry if that's the case. not everyone change fast and adapt to the surrounding. if my parents really wanna blame the church for too much activities. they would have done it long ago. if i were to stop going to church and cell. my parents will have absolutely no reason to blame the church. right? true? i really wonder what's right and what's wrong. to do what at what time and when is the right time to do the right thing. i've tried prioritising my time. hopefully everything will fall into place but it always get worse with more homework pilling. is it my fault. no. i don't think so. at least i tried. maybe yes. cause in the first place i've chosen the wrong thing. so superly wrong.

who in life loves to fail. only those who don't care about their future. no one. no one loves to fail or wanna fail. everyone wishes to be successful. rich and good-looking. if you don't. i'll advise you to seek a doctor. have anybody wonder maybe it's not because that person is not hardworking or didn't put in effort? maybe it's just that person aint good academically. why enforce such strict measures on that person when he doesn't do well? unfair isn't it. not everyone is born smart. not everyone has the same level of determination or perserverence or whatever shit is needed in exams or whatever thing you do. everyone has their own potential in different stuff and has a limit to everything. i can study. yes i do. but i'm not as academically incline as any other people. i can do memory work well but not application. i'm trying. i'm doing my work and finishing everything on time. just because i hope there can be an improvement. and all i want is time to have fun with the people i wanna be with. with what i like to do. and that's serving in my ministry. and i'm restricted from that. how great eh.

people in life often have something to look forward to. be it meeting someone they wanna meet. or doing things they like to do. or even into the future. looking forward to be a teacher or a parent or whatever they wanna be. for me. i just look forward to a day of no work and stress and pressure. but that doesn't seems to be the case. there are just more commitments. and who dunno escaping ain't a help. it'll just come back after some time. i really can't stand this kinda life. it's so puppet with no strings attached. but what's the difference. felt so manipulated. i'm not a robot. nor am i a superhuman. i'm sorry if i can't live up to your standard. i have my own expectation and u have your own. you can't expect everyone to be like you. even if u do expect. time is needed. right. whatever. everyone has a limit in them. just hope mine is not yet reached. cause if it does.

just like a bomb
tick tick tick boom

the reason Jesus died on the cross
was to save us all
the reason why i go to church
is simply because i love Him

partly was because of the friends i've made
that have helped change the world that i hate
i wonder how long more it's gonna take
before all these friendships drop dead

the fact that i love Jesus
still remained the same
this is something that will never change
but not all things remain unchanged

time is all that's needed
to change something
be it you or me or anybody or even anything
it's just when is this time coming

a time bomb
tick tick tick
i'm gone

LyDiA[Monday, July 25, 2005]

[___nO oNe oWns U, BuT me___]]**
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Thursday, July 21, 2005

looking back

back in the past
you told me i didn't trust you
maybe i didn't
but did you?

i wasn't sure of what to say
i was at lost for words
shocked and speechless
staring at you was all i could do

i wanted to tell you
i didn't wanna let go
i wanted to tell you
how much i love you

but i didn't get the chance to

time again and again
back in my own room
where memories will flow
wishing you were here beside me

although the time we were together
wasn't very long
but those days together
were really memorable

now each of us have our own path
seeking and searching what's right for us
just wanna thank you for that day
allowing a better future ahead

for a lesson was learnt

i dunno. personally, i don't really like break-ups. there was a few i've experience that left me depressed for a few days. but when i look back, i realised behind every break-up there's a reason. it may not be truth, it might just be an excuse to break-up. but i don't mind. i did my part by asking the reason, hoping to know why so that in my next relationship, i won't repeat the mistake i made previously. although i feel very bad and depressed after a break-up, but looking back, it's really not worth crying over. the bible says to forget those things which are behind and reaching forward to those that are ahead. i realised no matter how hard i cry. that person won't come back to me. people always tell me."if he is meant to be yours he'll be back. if not, just let him go." i never wanted to believe this, but seems to me i've to face the fact. but from each break-up, i learnt a few lessons. and this lessons though not really significant, i believe it'll make me a better girlfriend in future. people out there. you need not agree with me as this is my personal opinion. i feel that if a relationship is not working, let it go. no use holding on to something that will eventually come to an end. find out what's wrong and learn from it, so that when the next time you are in a new relationship, you won't do the same thing. cause i still clearly remember what happened with my first guy and the previous one. it was totally different. for the first guy, i didn't know how to be a girlfriend and i underdo it. and being afraid that it would happen again. to the previous guy, i think i overdo it. so hopefully, when the next one comes. it'd be a good one. haha. but i know another thing.

Jesus is the best.
He never leaves no matter what happens
and i love Him.

LyDiA[Thursday, July 21, 2005]

[___nO oNe oWns U, BuT me___]]**
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Sunday, July 17, 2005

i'm not alone

recently i've been feeling really down due to my horrible results. it has been troubling me. of what will i do if my results continues to be bad. how am i suppose to face my parents who have trusted me so much to study on my own. i would be letting everyone who trusted and believed in me. including God. i know and i know that He has always been behind me supporting me. being my pillar of strength in times of need. being my supporter when i fall. but why can't i handle my emotions? i realised i've been too dependent on myself. way back when i first started coming to City Harvest. i can still remember how i was so on fire for God. how i love to go for cell group and services. but when i look at it now. how my spiritual life is. it's way different. ever since one incident. it sets me falling back. of cos the reason for this fall got nothing to do with those people who are involve. but me. i didn't turn to God. instead i blamed everyone else. and i took the wrong step of wanting to backslide. it was a bad choice. a wrong one. cos i didn't seek Him. i turned away. leaving me more depressed. but when i started going back to cell and church. i realised everything was different. everything seemed to have changed so much. i wasn't as interested as before. it was as if i'm going for the sake of going. going because i don't want people to worry. going because i don't want people to keep pestering me and the list of reasons goes on. of all that i've written above. there's one thing in common. it's the way i think and i feel. everytime i've got a problem. i'll depend on my own strength. and each time i do that. my relationship with God gets further and weaker. but recently. after so long. i finally knew what was called leaning upon God's strength. i find myself much happier. i realised i've been missing out alot when i stopped reading my bible last year. there's so many real life experiences in there that showed how they had faith and believe in God when situations seemed so impossible. it's really amazing on how it really changed my thinking. i just hope that next year. my results will be good. cause i know God won't fail me. He might be last minute. but He will never be late.

when i'm sad
He knows
when i'm lost
He knows
when i'm alone
He knows

what is there that He don't?
every secrets of my heart:
who i like
most embarrassing moments
what i hate
my phobias
even the deepest and darkest secrets
He knows

even things that i don't know about myself
He knows

He knows so much about me
yet i don't know much about Him

but i know

He is God
my Saviour
my Beloved
and
my Friend

Jesus

LyDiA[Sunday, July 17, 2005]

[___nO oNe oWns U, BuT me___]]**
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Tuesday, July 12, 2005

my day today

my exams finished not too long ago. did study. but the results are still as bad. no improvement. worse even. well. my teachers told me not to be too discourage. trying not to. kinda regretted going to a JC. now i can't even go for strikeforce. and i know i'm gonna miss it so much. my friends. the drums. the trainings. the fellowship. the journey to out practice place. so many many others too. my days there have been fun. filled with people whom i'm happy with. in school i don't find such people around. in cell there are clicks on it's own. so there. well. and i'm barred from going. sobz. feeling kinda sad and stuff. but of cos i know i have to face the consequences for not doing well. but my results have been like that since last year. so. i dunno what's wrong. ever since i'm in JC. my results are just like waterfall. they just keep falling. but they are beautiful aren't they. waterfalls always have rainbows. just hope at the end of the year. after sacrificing so much. my results would be like the rainbow that shines. just like the rainbow that shines after the rain. a miracle. those who knows how my results are like will know they are really like poo. bad. really bad. looking at it just make parents faint. u know. they will go. ask u to study like asking u to go and die like that. this kinda result. where can u go later? no where actually. but i've made a choice to go la-salle. got the interest in designing. hopefully that is my calling. i still dunno yet. but everyone is telling me that my primary purpose now is to study hard and get good grades. haiz. kinda feeling so contained. so being forced. but what can i do. stupid JC. just hope this five months can just fly pass fast. really fast so that i can say bye to exams. they are just too difficult for me to handle. haha. okok. it looks as if i've just written one whole chunk of rubbish. it's after-school symptom. u just wanna let it all out. ok. i'm done. i'm gone.

LyDiA[Tuesday, July 12, 2005]

[___nO oNe oWns U, BuT me___]]**
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Sunday, July 10, 2005

everytime i fail

everytime when i fail
my relationship with you always becomes frail
thoughts and doubts if you are real
is always something that i will feel

i don't wanna feel this way
not now, especially today
i know it's easy for me to say
but i don't want it to be this way

faith so shaken
heart so harden

i don't wanna feel this way
not now, especially today

i wanna be strong like never before
on fire for you longing for more
i want you to be the reason
i'm living for

cause i wanna feel this way
now, especially today

being able to love only you
you being my all
and i shall ask for nothing more

LyDiA[Sunday, July 10, 2005]

[___nO oNe oWns U, BuT me___]]**
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